That’s what I call a flat tire
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
How to properly lift a body
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
honestly, i need both:
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.