@kelkulus

“That’s what” – She

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@Proxic0n

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

@ThisLocalHater

Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.

@RunOldMan

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

@snatch_stache

Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.

@SortaBad

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

@MaraWilson

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

@bananafitz

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

@AndyAsAdjective

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

@spark_asis

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.