“That’s what” – She
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[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Autocorrect completely socks
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels