“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
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grotesque if literal: baby food
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.