@UncleDuke1969 “You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
@MenMusings The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
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@UncleDuke1969 
@LostCatDog I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
@bingowings14 Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
@SCbchbum A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
@jon_snow_420 luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
@mdob11 You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
@NoContextHumans 
@ericonederful In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@TopherKearby The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
@jumpdashark My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.