@MenMusings

The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.

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@UncleDuke1969

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

@LostCatDog

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

@bingowings14

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

@SCbchbum

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

@jon_snow_420

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

@mdob11

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

@ericonederful

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

@TopherKearby

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.