The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”