the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
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My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Ron is short for Aaronald
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”