The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Tell me you get it…🤣
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]