The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
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We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.