the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
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*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
im 7 sauces long
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.