The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
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You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.