The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
the Monday after daylight savings
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.