@outsmartedmommy

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

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@FormerHumorist

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

@SexySpainNights

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

@SinfulShelly

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

@online_shawn

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

@WittySassBasket

3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in

@robfee

So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”

@GrantTanaka

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

@tiemoose

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

@ariscott

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.