@Thateverydayguy

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

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@JoshMarino420

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

@OctopusCaveman

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

@Buncahn

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

@PaperWash

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

@Shade510

Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.

@UrPalWilly

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@corysnearowski

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

@TheTweetOfGod

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

@The_Sculptress

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.