if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.