The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
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spicy snake
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having