The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

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*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it


[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing


me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*


Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.


When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.


Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?


I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend


Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in