The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Single and childfree like Jesus
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid