@funnyordie 🐠
@LostFelicia The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
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@funnyordie 
@ArfMeasures [customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
@KalvinMacleod [pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
@iwearaonesie me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
@amishschool Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
@schumyxxx When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
@slimmy_shady Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
@free_mattress I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
@KimmyMonte fun fact: nike is short for nichael
@cariastark Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in