“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
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If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
can’t believe I got front row seats
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?