The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes