The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.