The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
You Might Also Like
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”