The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
You Might Also Like
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
This is always good for a laugh.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
🚲+physics = winner
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Breaking news:
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.