The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
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We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Rooting for the overdog
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL