You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka
-Poem about the food pyramid
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
How to be happier:
2. Lift weight
3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.