The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
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Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.