@lejessica

The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.

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@heidi420x

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

@Brianhopecomedy

A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.

@handokotjung

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

@loribuckmajor

Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

@Token_Geezer

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

@ghostkrogh

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@MelindaTaub

Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.