the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
good work, everybody
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I think my mom just blocked me
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.