the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*