The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook