The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
So sick of all these stupid rules
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Stop sending me this shit.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
same vibe as tangled headphones
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?