The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.