The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
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10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Tremendous stuff
My apartment is a mess, I should move