The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.