The A string on my guit_r is flat
You Might Also Like
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I鈥檓 not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
i know my boyfriend鈥檚 not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I鈥檇 say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that鈥檚 a Fruit Loop
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here鈥檚 the teeth y鈥檃ll pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
馃槀
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn鈥檛 ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 馃槓馃槓馃槓
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
therapist: what鈥檚 on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Match dot com, but for socks.