the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
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Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…