The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.