The absolute effort that went into this omg
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”