the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
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Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public