The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
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I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you