The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.