The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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Batman v Dracula
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.