The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah