The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat