The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
😂😂😂
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”