@KevinBuffalo

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

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@ieatanddrink

If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is

@juneohara65

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

@curlycomedy

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

@robdelaney

My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.

@crabgirl_

The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.

@eleniZarro

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

@JasonLastname

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.