The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
You Might Also Like
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”