The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
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They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…