The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Plant care tips
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?