The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
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If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“