The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
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Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow