The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.