The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.