The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Monday
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.