The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
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So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.