The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
You Might Also Like
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Sing it!
🤣🤣🤣
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘