The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
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˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
#ProTip
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.