The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
You can’t outrun your problems…
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*